johnh Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 Cornish Steve. 1,000 years? You always were an optimist. Sibdane 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alguna Vez Tonelada Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 The English footballers visited an orphanage in Rio yesterday. "It is heart-breaking to see their sad faces with little or no hope. " said Jose , aged 6 rubecula, Sibdane and Matt 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 The current issue of Private Eye has a cover showing the England team disembarking from the aircraft in Brazil. The pilot is saying 'shall I keep the engines running?' rubecula and Cornish Steve 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 The current issue of Private Eye has a cover showing the England team disembarking from the aircraft in Brazil. The pilot is saying 'shall I keep the engines running?' rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 ITV programmers are displaying their wiles. The chief presenter is Adrian Chiles. They decided that planning was a doddle, When they uincluded bleedin Glen Hoddle. Oh when will this madness cease? Deport the lot and leave us in peace. Another quality product brought to you by miss a goal ITV Sport Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 13, 2014 Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 This autumn I am changing how I do things, last year my missus caught me putting boot polish on my genitals. "You are an idiot" She told me. "You are supposed to turn your clock back." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted June 18, 2014 Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 Lowensda, MC11 and Sibdane 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 I wanted to do something community based this year, so I decided that i'd start a youth orchestra. Problem is, noone seems interested I just can't get my head around, why anyone wouldn't want to join my 'Kiddy Fiddlers'. Matt and BlueBlood81 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncanmckenzieismagic Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 Woy Hodgsons team tactics Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 For sale: One Team Bus. only used twice, low mileage Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted June 22, 2014 Report Share Posted June 22, 2014 Matt and Sibdane 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC11 Posted June 22, 2014 Report Share Posted June 22, 2014 Fuckinell laughed my head of to that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 23, 2014 Report Share Posted June 23, 2014 Fuckinell laughed my head of to that! I think I have seen you on the BBC football ads Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Just mentioned to the wife that I thought the spark had gone out of our marriage and she tasered me. Matt, rubecula and Howardshands 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Do not read this if easily offended A missionary trip to the south seas went wrong when the ship sank, only two people survived. A nun and a priest. They got to a desert island but without any hope of a rescue, and eventually succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh. After 2 years the nun had an attack of conscience over what she was doing and killed herself out of shame. Another 6 months went by and the priest had an attack of conscience over what he was doing .... and buried the nun. Edited June 30, 2014 by Rubecula Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NyarkosLeftToe Posted July 2, 2014 Report Share Posted July 2, 2014 Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NyarkosLeftToe Posted July 9, 2014 Report Share Posted July 9, 2014 Paddy says to Murphy 'My mate came off his motorbike today'. 'Oh really?' Says Murphy 'Yes' Paddy answers 'He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye!' Murphy says ' Fuckin Hell, no wonder he came off!' rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted July 21, 2014 Report Share Posted July 21, 2014 Elderly guy get his first computer. Switches on. WINDOWS: Please enter password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, password must contain 1 numeric character USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouCon'tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: ReallyPissedOff50BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAcessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted July 24, 2014 Report Share Posted July 24, 2014 jaysus Johnh I laughed at that. I really really laughed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verreauxi Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 What's the difference between an Apple and your mum? Your mum's a cunt. This is terrific. Kinda like the joke, "what's the difference between Jam and Jelly?" "well, I can't jelly my cock in your ass" Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 1, 2014 Report Share Posted August 1, 2014 Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years. A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex." Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msloan78 Posted August 2, 2014 Report Share Posted August 2, 2014 After a late night boozing, Dave walks into the house, with a chicken tucked under his arm, to be greeted by his Mrs. Mrs D: "Where the hell have you been until this time" D: "This is the pig I've been fuckin" Mrs D: "Thats not a pig, it's a chicken you idiot". D: "I was talking to the bloody chicken" rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 3, 2014 Report Share Posted August 3, 2014 A nun walks into an Off Licence and asks for a bottle of Whiskey. The man behind the counter is a little shocked and says "But you are a woman of the order. I should not be selling you whiskey." "It is alright my good man" The nun replies. "It is for the Mother Superiors constipation." "In that case" smiles the man, and sells her a bottle of Johnny Walker. Later that evening he is locking up when he spots the Nun laying face down, drunk as a skunk in the gutter. "I thought you told me the whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation." He accuses. "It is" Hiccups the nun. "When she sees me like this she is going to shit herself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howardshands Posted August 4, 2014 Report Share Posted August 4, 2014 This stuff is great, keep it up. I'll try my hand: A woman is in the checkout line at a supermarket and puts bacon, eggs and milk on the conveyor belt when a gruff-looking, tough man walks up behind her. He takes a look at the bacon, the eggs and the milk, then looks at her, smirks and says "you must be single". The woman is taken aback and a bit confused. She looks at him, then the bacon, eggs and milk, then back to the gruff man and says "well, yeah, but how did you know?" The man responds "Because you're ugly as hell." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted August 4, 2014 Report Share Posted August 4, 2014 That reminded me about the big fat ugly woman at the supermarket check-out with two unruly kids. A bloke in the queue said 'can't you keep your twins under control'. The woman said 'they are not twins, ones 12 and the other's 8, what makes you think they are twins'. The guy said 'they must be, no one would shag you twice'. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team. He has hired the legal team of Glasgow Celtic because he read that Celtic had lost two legs and still won. rubecula, Matt and Sibdane 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sibdane Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team. He has hired the legal team of Glasgow Celtic because he read that Celtic had lost two legs and still won. Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Brilliant. Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come. But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life). How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howardshands Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come. But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life). How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes . If I had to rate how sad analyzing comments is, I'd give it a 5 out of 10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 9, 2014 Report Share Posted August 9, 2014 Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come. But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life). How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes . Not really since the Celtic verdict was only delivered yesterday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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