Avinalaff Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 1. The wife came out of the shower naked, and said "Shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me with no clothes on". I said "If the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own damn curtains ". 2. My Polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the English language. The other night she said to me "Me be going out with friends this night". Smiling, I had to correct her: " No you're fu*^%ng not!" 3. I went out last Friday, and got totally pissed out of my mind. I woke up next to this fat sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting, and farting. I thought thank fu^& for that; at least I made it home. 4. Went to the doctors today. I said " do you treat alcoholics?" He said " Of course we do". I said "Great. Get your coat on. We're off to the pub. I'm skint". 5. Today, my friend asked me "If we could eliminate one race from the Olympics, what would it be?" I said "( .... your country of choice here ... )" . Apparently everyone else said the 800 metres. 6. Why men shouldn't be agony aunts ............. Dear Alan. I left home for work last week, and after less than a mile, my car stalled and wouldn't start. I walked all the way home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old baby sitter. They annopunced that the affair had been going on for 2 years. Can you help me? I'm desperate. Dear reader. The most common cause of breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. I hope this helps. Alan. 7. My friend asked me to smuggle a camera into prison for him. I decided to hide it up my ass. The camera went in no bother, but the tripod made my f*&"! eyes water. 8. A man gets pulled over for drunk driving. When the policeman opens the door, the guy falls out of the car face first totally pissed. The policeman says "Sir, I'm taking you in. It's obvious that you are drunk"! The guy replies " Thank f"!^* for that, hic. I thought the f&^*"! steering had gone "! 9. I bought some 'Meatloaf' boxer shorts today. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back it says " But I won't do that"! :mrgreen: 10. Took a girl home from the pub the other night. I said to her "You remind me of my little toe". Smiling, she said "Is it because I'm small and cute?" I said "No; it's because I just know that before the night is out, I'm going to bang you on my coffee table"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
codders78 Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 I was refused entry to the Liverpool supporters club because I have been circumcised Apparently you have to be a complete prick to join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 whats a shitzsu? A dog? No, its a zoo with no animals... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcus jones Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 When I asked the elf ''what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe?'' it replied ''Narnia business!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holystove Posted August 5, 2011 Report Share Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) Edited August 5, 2011 by holystove Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcirony Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 Rupert Murdoch has released a statement to express he has been deeply moved and touched by messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 Ive made a fortune with pet birds on eBay!!!! Sold the same homing pigeon 23 times now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted August 8, 2011 Report Share Posted August 8, 2011 a bloke attacked me with a bat last night...it hurt like fuck but i couldn't help bein impressed with how well he trained the bat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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